Tactical Nuclear Assault Blog

First of all, everyone out there who drives except me: I hate you, let’s just make that clear right off the bat, even though it should be pretty obvious from the rest of this post.

There are so many reasons, and I don’t know any particular place or reason to start on, so I’ll arbitrarily name off and explain why I should be allowed to have rocket launchers attached to my truck, to blow up every moron I see driving.

The lines on the road actually mean something:

It’s inevitable, winter comes in Canada, and along with the falling of leaves, freezing of lakes and snowboarding, almost everyone’s brain seems to either shrivel up, or perhaps just expose how broken it was in the first place. With winter comes snow, and the snow falls on the roads too (amazing stuff eh?), and even though it happens every year, everyone starts pissing their pants until they turn into rasins.

“Oh my god! There’s snow on the road! Run for the hills everyone, the shit has hit the fan!”

Now if I’m not mistaken (which I’m not), you’re supposed to drive on the right hand side of the road inbetween the solid line, and the dotted line. But as soon as there’s a turn in the road, apparantly the rules don’t apply anymore if it’s winter.

“Oh my god! A turn in the road! What happens if I turn the wheel and go into some massive 1080 spin-out (assuming you can actually count that high in the first place), I’d better take the inside of the turn as much as possible, or I’ll otherwise face certain death!” *proceeds to drive in the shoulder lane*

Ok, for the first person on the road after the snowfall, I’ll go easy on you because they genuinely can’t see where the road is, and have to make it up, even then you should be able to at least get close the the right spot. Anyone after that has no excuse for their stupidity, you can all see if moron#1 drove into the shoulder lanes, then to avoid being a bumbass yourself, you can make your own tracks! Holy Shit! Don’t be so stupid, if you can see if the first person was driving in the wrong place, then you can also find out where the right place to drive is, and drive there!

Here’s what I mean:

And even beyond turning, everyone does this where they’re too much of a pussy to actually drive on top of some fluffy white stuff, on a 2 lane road, goiing in a straight line even, you can almost guarantee that everyone will dick it up and turn it into a 1 lane road riding on top of the dotted lines:

The most retarded thing about that is the part of the road that gets cleared, is the part that’s driven on (no snow removal here), so if people would actually grow some sacks, and drive inbetween the lines, then eventually that part would be clear! and the road would be just as good as it is in summer, I hate you.

And maybe once I’m off the highways, you’d expect me to be safe from all the morons out there, but nope, everyone who drives the same backroads that I do, continue their asshole ways. Once again, everyone is too scared to drive on top of a miniscule amount of snow, so they’ll start sharing the tracks of the people who were going the other way…That means in the middle of the road! Going up blind-hills, I swear if I ever get to the top of one of those hills, and someone is driving in the middle, I’m just gonna run them over:

In the above picture, the vehicles illustrated aren’t completely accurate, they should actually be overlapping.
That about covers ‘driving inbetween the lines for now’

Your car has lights, turn them on:

I hate cars without daytime driving lights. If anyone every tries to sell me a car that doesn’t have daytime driving lights, I’m going to promptly kick off their head via scorpion kick. The only thing I hate more than vehicles without daytime driving lights, is the assholes driving cars that don’t have DDL, namely because they’re too stupid and lazy to turn on their headlights to make up for not having DDL. On a bright sunny day, not such a big deal, but many days are cloudy/drizzling/snowing/dawn/dusk, and the assholes keep their lights off. Despite being in a big stupid truck/whatever POS you drive, sometimes they can be surprisingly hard to see. Turn on your fucking lights!:

I can only hope that said people will hit one of the deer that are constantly around the roads.

Broken speedometer? Or broken brain?:

I’ll start off with a story from they days of recent. I’m following this semi to get out of town, and it’s a 60km/h zone, and the cunt is going 20km/h. “Ok…It’s a semi..it’s winter…don’t murder him yet”. So after following him all the way to the 100km/h zone, I figure I’d finally get my chance to pass him, but the asshole didn’t forget to follow the rule of “OMG, scary snow!1 Must drive in very middle of road”. Whatever, the idiots coming from the other direction are following the “OMG snow! ON A TURN!! Must cut corner!” so I still have enough room to pass. I step on the gas to pass the truck, who by all SANE logic, was driving under the speed limit before, would probably continue to do so. I was tired from work, so I guess it slipped my mind for a second that everyone save myself isINSANE, and the bastard steps on it too, making it really hard for me to gain any ground on him (the truck I drive also happens to be a complete pussy), but gaining ground I was, but he decided he wasn’t gonna stand for that, so he just turns into my path, fucker. Then once on the main stretch of the highway, can you guess it? He started driving under the speed limit again. I hate you all.

Too many people do this, they’ll drive too slow in one section, then too fast in the next, or visa versa, eitherway, choke:

More about turning:

Odd are you aren’t a farmer, and even if you are, cut the shitty turning. A ‘Farmer’s turn’ is basically cutting the corner on a 90 degree turn, because people are do stupid and lazy to drive the extra 10 feet or so and actually stay in their own lane. The next person who pulls a Farmer’s and goes in front of me is gonna get run over:

Other:

It’s a Stop sign morons, learn how to use it. “Stop” does not mean ‘ slow down’ or ‘almost stop’, it means ‘come to a complete stop, and not only that, but you’re supposed to come to a complete stop for 3 full seconds before proceeding. I know most of you out there don’t have much more of an IQ than whatever you can count on your fingers, so for now just work on the ‘complete stop’ part, you can practice not pissing your pants for a whopping 3 seconds later.

So there you have it, the reasons why I hate everybody on the road, if I’ve forgotten any, I’ll let you know in later posts.